by Linh Dinh / June 22nd, 2012
Good evening, my fellow Americans. I’m here tonight to clear up
some misperceptions about Operation Fast and Furious. Many of you are
confused, even angry, and I fully understand. Why did the United States
sell thousands of guns to vicious Mexican drug cartels, so that they
could kill many people, including Americans? Doesn’t this make us
accomplices to murders?
Of course, it does, but you must keep in mind that our hands are
always stained by the blood of millions and millions of victims. That is
the story of our history, it is our creed, because there is an awesome
responsibility to being the greatest country on earth. We routinely
preach peace and practice mass murder. Still, what was the point of Fast
and Furious? Why did we give guns to our supposed enemy so they could
shoot us?
The name is taken from a B movie, by the way. It’s about a fellow who
breaks out of jail, kidnaps a woman, roughs her up a little, which
makes her fall in love with him. Together, they then try to escape to
Mexico. Michelle and the girls hated this film, and I didn’t care for it
either. Violence on women is never excusable, under any circumstance. I
just had Jeremy Lin, Eli Manning and Jimmie Rollins in town to tape a
message condemning violence against women. Got to get those chick votes
out. Give me some. In short, a woman should never be physically violated
under any situation, context or lighting. Unless she’s hit by a drone
in her sleep, that is. We don’t live in a perfect world.
When I came into office, I had no gray hair and never rambled, but
now I do. Such is the stress of being your President. Back to Fast and
Furious. Attorney General Holder explained that the idea was to track
these guns to the hiding places and upper echelons of the drug cartels,
so that we could catch or kill the bad guys, just like we did Bin Laden
in Pakistan, but, of course, this rationale is nonsense, because our
brave and hardworking agents can only do so much in Mexico. It is a
separate country, after all. Not that we care too much about that,
frankly. In any case, we lost track of these weapons almost immediately,
often even before they crossed the Rio Grande.
But you shouldn’t blame the Attorney General for blowing smoke up
your crack. We all do, all the time. Harassed by an ambitious pitbull
like Representative Issa, it was hard for Mr. Holder to keep his
composure, and he was right to characterize his adversary’s antic as
“political theater,” though everything in Washington, down to the last
screw on each door jamb, is political theater.
Back to your questions: Why did we provide guns to these
mass-murdering, decapitating and torturing drug dealers? Why did we
strengthen these ruthlessly greedy and even sadistic people, sort of
like us, actually, when we’re supposed to fight them in the War on
Drugs?
First of: The United States of America loves drug dealers. They have
been our allies in war after war, including the Cold War and the War on
Drugs. You must be familiar with The French Connection. Not too bad a
movie. In real life, those Corsican gangsters were supported by our CIA.
During the Vietnam War, we backed Chinese and Hmong drug lords
operating out of Burma and Laos, with their opium and heroin being
transported to markets on CIA planes. As our brave and honorable
warriors fought the Communist menace, the CIA got many of these soldiers
hooked on heroin. To fund America’s covert war against Nicaragua, we
sold crack cocaine to African Americans, and now, in Afghanistan, this
great, unparalleled country, a shining city on a hill, is again
partnering with local drug dealers. Where there are drugs, America’s
there to get in on the action.
And we have given guns to countless drug lords, so it’s no surprise
we were caught arming the Sinaloa Cartel and even Los Zetas. Thanks to
your addictions, these well-run organizations can funnel money to all
these Mexican public servants, from the lowest to the highest. The
honest ones, they kill. They also keep Americans too drugged up to
rebel, so far, and I cross my fingers.
Let us remember that the British dumped opium on China to enrich
themselves, debilitate the Chinese and fragment their society. With a
much more exciting cocktail of drugs, not all of them chemical, your
federal government is doing the same to you.
Many people have suggested that the quickest way to solve the drug
problem is to legalize it. If drugs were legal, they would cost much
less, thus cutting down greatly on the number of crimes committed by
addicts. Legal drugs would also eliminate drug gangs, big and small, all
except the biggest, of course. The CIA, one must remember, is a
criminal organization with an extremely diversified portfolio. There
isn’t a felony that it hasn’t or won’t commit. It can fix or tone down
the Guatemalan President, for example, if he doesn’t stop making so much
noise about legalizing drugs.
So now you see. Your ruling class won’t legalize drugs because it needs to make billions of dollars from illegal drugs
and guns each
year. Illegal narcotics fatten Wall Street, my puppet master, so who
cares if thousands of cops, dealers, addicts and bystanders lie dead on
bloody sidewalks from Juarez to Philly? This drug policy also provides a
handy pretext to arrest vast swaths of America. Between that and the
labyrinthine tax code, just about any of you can be branded a criminal.
And if those fail, I can just declare you a terrorist!
So this is your country, America. We sell guns, drugs and porn, in
the broadest sense of the word, and sponsor drug dealers, because that’s
how we make loads of money. It’s all good. So with that, I wish you a
pleasant good night. May God bless you, and may God bless the United
States of America.
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